Friday, April 23, 2010


Apparently, I am bound and determined to drive my new relationship into the ground. I was talking with Roomie this morning and she asked me why I thought I didn't deserve to have a good, normal relationship? She said that while she has seen tons of men paraded through here, not one of them has been good enough nor the caliber of men that she would pick for me. She also mentioned that as I keep losing more and more weight, more and more doors will open but just because the outside looks nice, I haven't necessarily fixed the inside.

See, I feel like the proverbial damaged goods. These truly awful relationships that I've had have apparently left more of an imprint than I thought. In this new relationship, I feel very out of my depth. Not necessarily that I'm not good enough, but I am having a hard time communicating things. There is an internal language barrier that I've got going all on my own, combined with a very real language barrier since Romeo is foreign.

I worry. I worry that I'll freak out when we're intimate. I worry that I'll say the wrong thing, not say enough, say too much. I worry about what exactly is the right thing to say. I worry when I respond to a text and take what I think is a chance and he doesn't respond back.....

I know I can't judge him by the past. That he is his own person, but don't we all do that? We take our past relationships and then use that as the standard to go by? My reactions to his actions are based on what I have learned from the past. And if I don't change my reactions, I'm going to screw this one up.

I'm not saying he's "the one." But I am saying that he seems like a "good one." And I would really like to know what its like to have a relationship with a "good one."

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