Friday, April 23, 2010


Apparently, I am bound and determined to drive my new relationship into the ground. I was talking with Roomie this morning and she asked me why I thought I didn't deserve to have a good, normal relationship? She said that while she has seen tons of men paraded through here, not one of them has been good enough nor the caliber of men that she would pick for me. She also mentioned that as I keep losing more and more weight, more and more doors will open but just because the outside looks nice, I haven't necessarily fixed the inside.

See, I feel like the proverbial damaged goods. These truly awful relationships that I've had have apparently left more of an imprint than I thought. In this new relationship, I feel very out of my depth. Not necessarily that I'm not good enough, but I am having a hard time communicating things. There is an internal language barrier that I've got going all on my own, combined with a very real language barrier since Romeo is foreign.

I worry. I worry that I'll freak out when we're intimate. I worry that I'll say the wrong thing, not say enough, say too much. I worry about what exactly is the right thing to say. I worry when I respond to a text and take what I think is a chance and he doesn't respond back.....

I know I can't judge him by the past. That he is his own person, but don't we all do that? We take our past relationships and then use that as the standard to go by? My reactions to his actions are based on what I have learned from the past. And if I don't change my reactions, I'm going to screw this one up.

I'm not saying he's "the one." But I am saying that he seems like a "good one." And I would really like to know what its like to have a relationship with a "good one."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Am I Really Happy?

Years ago, I went to woman who does past life regressions. She led me through the process and then proceeded to inform me that I met the Rat Bastard in every life (the Rat Bastard is another story for another time.) She said that in my past lives he killed me. But, that in every life, I got smarter and I got away from him quicker. She said it was only in my recent lives that I survived him. Well, in this life, I think I did okay. And I think maybe in my next life I won't marry RB but that I'll be savvy enough to see him for what he is ahead of time.

The point of this is that finally, in these past few days, I feel like I'm beyond the RB. I feel like the black pallor that he cast over me has lifted and that I am finally moving on and becoming the person I am meant to be. That's not to say that I have it all figured out, but that is to say that I think I'm finally happy. I'm excited to start my day. I'm excited about what the future holds for both my professional and my personal life. I'm excited to work out (*gasp*) and that truly is a miracle. I love who I am and how I look and feel. I can do better, but I also feel like "better" is finally within my reach.

While some of you may say it has to do with the man. I don't think so. I am happy about how I am navigating this situation as well. I am proud of myself for not falling in head first and that I'm weighing the pros and cons of it all. I am pleased that I am taking my time and not immediately kissing everyone off. I am smiling because I am still going out and having fun and enjoying myself while I put this possible relationship on the middle burner and patiently wait to see what happens.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Strange turns

So this is when I wish that I had a huge following with lots of input because I don't really trust my own judgment.

I met someone.

And while I'm really happy, I am walking on eggshells trying not to fall and land on my ass. I don't want to read too much into it. I don't want to be taken advantage of again. I don't want to make the mistakes that I have made in the past. This all seems too good to be true at the moment so I'm trying my very best to go slow.

In fact, I am giving it my best effort to go slow. I am making myself still talk to other men. I am going out and dancing and having a good time. I am trying to make sure that before I cut everyone off I have truly made an informed decision. I am trying to listen to actions rather than words and I am seriously considering going to a therapist to help me sort this out. I want to make sure that this time, if it is "this time" that I choose right. That I make a decision that will benefit me instead of harm me.

I'll tell the "how we met" later, and just leave the "OMG, I'm a little terrified at the moment." for now.