Exes

What is it about ex-boyfriends? Why do they keep coming back to haunt you much like indigestion? My ex phoned me this week and HAD to see me. He missed me like crazy. He needed me. Now that is where I get in trouble, not with his promise to give me a child...(because I would have a better chance of picking up some stranger at a bar and getting a better gene pool,) but with the needing part. I'm a sucker for being needed.

So, like a fool, I saw him. And I'm having a hard time letting him down easy. Of course he tried to get in my pants. And while I can't say I wasn't tempted, (it has been a looooooong time since I've done the horizontal,) I just wasn't interested.

The rules of the game have changed and he just doesn't seem to be catching on. He's telling me that life is short and we should take advantage of the moment. I'm thinking, "Really?!?!!?" Because if you ask me, he was the one who ended it. He was the one who kicked me out and said don't come back. And if he really wants me back, some serious wooing has to occur. And last I checked wooing is not grabbing my ass and telling me in graphic terms what he wants to do to my body. Where are the phone calls and the flowers and the dates?

To be honest, I don't think he can do it. And to be even more honest, I'm really not all that interested. I gave up everything for him at one time. I lost my family, my job, many of my friends and he didn't appreciate that sacrifice in the least. So now, I have gained all that back again and I'm not willing to make that mistake a second time. My family detests him and my friends aren't his biggest fans either. I'm happy and I know I deserve better that what he has to offer. But just like that greasy food that makes you feel sick afterward, I have a hard time keeping away.

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have a bachelor update...lol

Bachelor #4: We have fallen out of touch. Between work schedules, sleeping schedules and different time zones we haven't spoken in awhile. That doesn't mean I don't smile whenever I think of him.

Bachelor #6: We are still moving along at a snail's pace. He is thoughtful and encouraging and so sweet...but I don't think the chemistry is there. At least not on my part, but I'm not throwing in the towel yet.

Bachelor #7: He is childish. He is ignoring me, so I've deleted him. But he was so handsome!

Bachelor #8: He is traveling with a non-profit and says he'll come to visit. I'll believe it when I see it...he has also asked me to let him know if I need anything; a.k.a. money. Hmmm, is this a sugar daddy in the making?

Bachelor #9: He is very religious and has some serious hang-ups about sex. I'm attracted to him and we have alot in common but I'm not sure we can get past the sex issue. It is not a big deal for me, but it is for him.

Bachelor #10 (We in the double digits!!!): He is divorced and dealing with a break-up. We talk every day, but have yet to meet. He is handsome and funny but I don't think he is ever going to make a move.

Bachelor #11: This man lives part of the time by me and part of the time in another state. We are supposed to go out this coming week and I'm anxious to hear his sexy accent.

FINALLY

Bachelor #12: This is the newest addition to my collection. He has asked for my phone number but has yet to call. We IM every day and he seems funny and intelligent.

That's the update. :)

One Foot In

My whole life, I have felt one foot in and one foot out. When I go to visit my cousins, I am the American cousin. When I hang out with my friends here, I am the Latin friend. I have always had a difficult time figuring out where I belong. And it makes me mad when I'm referred to as the American cousin. I don't feel like the American cousin! Everything I do feels like it identifies with the Latina and Arabic roots that I have tried so hard to discover and assimilate into my life. I realize that many people will say that this in itself is American....that it is a melting pot. But there are so many things in this American culture that I don't identify with and that lends itself more to my lack of definition.

And it goes farther than just identity...I never believed I was smart. I used to get to frustrated trying to explain things to people. I would assume that I was dumb, that I couldn't get my point across because I was too stupid to make myself understood. Now, I realize that I was too smart. I was explaining things at a level that I understood and no one was there with me yet. Not until I gave a lengthy explanation with details did they catch up to me. I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back. This realization, while powerful, had been a struggle as well. It is strange to one day wake up and realize that a belief you held about yourself for so long is not true.

So here I am, at the advanced age of 38, still trying to figure out where I fit in...and often times I just say screw it...and do my best not to fit in. I don't listen to the music I'm supposed to, or dressed how I'm supposed to, or work how I'm supposed to, but now I'm beginning to wonder if I am sabotaging myself in the process. I spend alot of time checking myself....asking people if I am correct in my conclusions. Asking for opinions and sides. Life is passing me by and I'm not grabbing on. When push comes to shove, I know I am capable of doing it. I'm not necessarily regretting my decisions, but maybe I'm wishing I had done more with the outcomes. I think I'm wishing that I had taken better advantage of what I was given and what I had to offer. And if that is the case, how do I move forward...how can I get over the fear and inertia that comes with it so I can move forward and be the me that I am supposed to be? How do I start taking the steps that I need to take to reach my full potential? I wouldn't say that the potential is locked, but I would say that it is compartmentalized away and I only bring it out on special occasions.

So the question is, how do I get myself to realize that every day is a special occasion?

Falling apart

Do you ever feel like everything is falling apart? Like you have too much to do and it is all coming at you super fast and you're not quite sure that you can grasp all of it? Well, that is where I am today.

I thought I was going to have a relatively easy week and now it seems that when I sit down to review my schedule I WAS WRONG!!!

First of all, I got my dates mixed up...don't ask me how, but I thought there was an extra magical day in the week. (WHY ISN'T THERE AN EXTRA MAGICAL DAY IN THE WEEK?)

And now, I'm stuck like watching a big fireball come at me in slow motion. I can't do anything early...I mean I can try and prepare, but I can't DO anything before the deadlines. So I guess today is prepare day but then is that going to make me more anxious since I can't do anything?

I keep saying that I need to get into a routine....but how the hell do I get into a routine? I know this is really easy for some people to grasp, but I'm not there. Call me stupid, I guess.

So I'm off for the second meeting of the day that I forgot....and maybe by tonight I'll be organized.....

HAHAHAHAHA

Mini blog...

The opening line was:

" how was your day"

The reply after reading his profile was:

" Hello;

I appreciate the email and I read your profile...but I am so not a country girl. I do airplanes and sidewalks and you seem to enjoy the land and the fresh air....if I'm wrong, let me know...but after reading what you've got up I think maybe we're not suited.

Best of luck to you"

The reply from the guy was:

"no you are wrong but i have a big pet peave with assumptions no where on my profile does it say that you girls on here are rediculous your looking for something that doesnt exist im sick of these games!!!!!!!!!!"

and my reply was:

" You have your home in the country....which means you choose to live there and I don't.

I think that you are rude. I was polite enough to respond which is more than alot of people do on here.

Please don't contact me again."

Am I going crazy or what?

Lazy Blogger... :)

Okay, so I have been busy, lazy, unattentive...whatever you want to call it. Basically I haven't been writing. So to all my witty followers, I apologize. (That would be all of one of you!)

Update:

Bachelor #1: I tried. Really! But Mr. Glass Half Empty is not in for the long haul. Actually, maybe he would be. But there was just a lack of chemistry on my end....Que Sera Sera.

Bachelor #4: is located in a different time zone, and ever since I got pneumonia earlier this year, I just can stay up as last to chat. I miss you B4!

Bachelor #5: He was definitely hiding something; a wife, a girlfriend; who knows? Anyhoo, he disappeared faster than (insert some southern sounding thing that makes you laugh.) Haven't heard boo from him and I don't expect to.

Ta-da!

Bachelor #6: Is a younger man. He makes me smile because he is so earnest and says the best things. Things like, "How do you eat all that and stay so slim?" or "Doesn't he know that a good wife is a gift?" I like this one. But again, I'm not head over heels...but we'll see....I'm not ruling him out.

Bachelors #7, #8, #9 and #10 are too new to write about. There are conversations but I haven't met any of them yet and we are just in the flirting stages...We shall see.

A friend of mine said that she would buy me a subscription to Match for my birthday....I may just take her up on it.

So I guess when all is said and done, I've been busy!